Why maternal instinct is not enough

The concept of maternal instinct suggests that women are biologically programmed to know how to nurture, care for, and respond to their children automatically. While it’s a comforting idea for some, it’s not actually supported by science in the way people often think — and it can be harmful to both mothers and fathers alike.

Whereas the notion that women are naturally hardwired to parent still persists, here is what science actually has to say:

1. Parenting Skills Are Learned, Not Innate

Modern research in neuroscience and psychology shows that parenting is a set of skills that are developed over time — not something we’re born knowing how to do. Caring for a child involves emotional regulation, communication, problem-solving, and patience — all of which are shaped by experience, support, and learning, not biology alone.

While some parents might feel more confident early on, that usually has more to do with their upbringing, education, or support systems than a built-in instinct.

2. The Brain Adapts Through Experience — Not Gender

Studies do show that becoming a parent changes the brain. Hormonal shifts (such as increases in oxytocin) and neural rewiring occur in both mothers and fathers who actively care for their children. This means involved parenting changes the brain, regardless of gender. What’s often mistaken for "instinct" is really the result of attachment, practice, and bonding over time.

3. The "Maternal Instinct" Myth Excludes Others

The idea of a natural maternal instinct can be especially damaging for:

• New mothers who feel overwhelmed or unsure and then feel guilty for not having that so-called instinct.

• Fathers and non-birthing parents, who may be seen as less capable simply because they didn’t give birth.

• Adoptive parents, LGBTQ+ parents, or caregivers who don’t fit the traditional narrative but are just as capable of forming deep, responsive, loving bonds with children.

  
  

4. It's a Social Construct, Not a Scientific Fact

The term “maternal instinct” gained popularity in the 19th century — not from science, but from cultural beliefs about women’s roles. It was used to reinforce the idea that a woman’s place was in the home, raising children. Today, we understand that this concept reflects societal expectations more than biological truth.

We are often told to "follow our instincts" in parenting, maternal or otherwise, but what if those instincts are actually shaped by stress, outdated beliefs, or unhealed childhood experiences?

So What Really Matters?

What truly shapes a parent’s ability to care for their child is not an invisible instinct, but support, intention, learning, and connection. When parents are given space, guidance, and encouragement — whether through experience or coaching — they become more confident and connected in their parenting.

Parenting isn’t about being biologically wired to do it right — it’s about showing up, learning as you go, and creating a secure, loving relationship with your child.

Here at Family Foundations I provide you that safe space in which you can get the guidance and support to meet your most confident self and start parenting from intention rather than instincts. Parenting from intention means choosing how you want to show up — not reacting automatically, but responding thoughtfully. It’s about being aware of your values, your child’s needs, and the kind of relationship you want to build, even when things get tough.

When you follow your instincts you are reacting.

When you follow your intention you are responding.

I can help you choose values over habits, intention over reactions, long-term connection over short-term compliance.